


This Is Not a Test

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1502789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Days later. Karkat was startled by a knock at his door. Will Smith had just welcomed an alien to Earth, or more accurately, Erf, and Karkat grumblingly hit the pause button. He rose and flipped the lock and opened the door up. He deadpanned immediately. "Sollux isn't here. I think he's in the lab." He closed the door again.</p><p>Well, he would have, if Feferi hasn't shoved a shoe in the doorway so it couldn't close. "I'm not here to see Sollux. I'm here to talk to you."</p><p>Karkat leaned on the door, trying to force in closed somehow. "No thank you. I don't want any. No solicitors. Please peddle your ass elsewhere." And suddenly he was stumbling backward. Feferi sure was strong for an heiress. Especially when ramming her shoulder against a metal door.</p><p>"If you scuffed up my shoe I swear I'm going to polish it in your ass, when I kick it straight up there."</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Not a Test

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mahwaha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahwaha/gifts).



"Simulation. Begin."

The robotic, oddly female voice (they were always female, for whatever reason) voice spoke through their comm system and Karkat Vantas grabbed the control module in front of him. Staring through the reticule in front of him, he took a break to glance over to his right. "Looks easy. We've got a level 2 and two level 1s, from the looks of it. The little shits look like blade class, so we'll be fine as long as we don't get too close. Big fuck looks like he's a Trebuchet, so keep your guard up and don't be afraid to keep shield on stand--FUCKING SHIT! FEFERI, WHAT THE BUGFUCKING HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING?"

The walking mechanisms his legs were strapped into grinded loudly beneath him. He flailed his arms as the one-sided movement of the mech made him jolt forward, nearly beaning himself on the vision reticule in front of him. The simulation mech was currently in the middle of taking a big stride with its right leg and dragging the deadweight of its left behind, due to Pilot Vantas's overeager and way too enthusiastic co-operator.

"Just stop talking and move! Come on, it's three targets, and only one is remotely even a problem! Who cares what they are! Protocol is approach and take 'em down! Kapow!" He couldn't see it, but he could hear the toothy, bubbly grin no doubt plastered across the lower half of her face. And she couldn't see or hear it, but she knew Karkat looked absolutely miserable and in the middle of an ulcer attack.

Probably because Karkat was having an ulcer attack. They'd been more frequent since he'd been assigned his new co-operator. It was almost as if there was a correlation between the two. "You're pulverizing the leg joint, you shitsack for brains mental patient!"

"Nope! You're pulverizing the leg joint, idiot!" She was still beaming, undoubtedly. "We'd be fine if you'd get with the program and walk already."

Karkat had asked the captain before if they could carry sidearms. The captain had scoffed at him, the grizzled former Navy commander that she was, with a roll of her eyes, and asked him what the fuck he expected a sidearm to do to a building-sized arthropod and kicked him out of her office.

Before he had the chance to say it wasn't for the building-sized arthropods.

He grimaced before getting his legs moving, working with the machinery to try and match Feferi Peixes's eager strides. "Fucking act like this is some kind of game," He grumbled, a bit too loudly, under his breath.

"It is a game!" There was that sing-song voice he couldn't stand. "Simulator!" She drew out the first and last syllables almost unbearably long. How did she even hear him over the machinery all around them.

"I will shove the simulation up your gaping--shit!" Karkat was not prepared for the jump. And when one pilot isn't prepared for the jump, a jump doesn't happen. More a pathetic hop. And some horrible wrenching, screeching noises as metal rubs up on metal and connectors and cords stretch in ways they aren't meant to.

"Why didn't you jump??" Feferi huffed as the mech stumbled and slammed into the broken husk of an office building, walls crumbling more. She yanked back on the controls, getting them upright again.

"Maybe because you didn't give me! Any signal indicating that a jump was coming! Why do you insist on nonstop skullfucking this goddamn simulator? Why can't you just follow the mission? You have to go all monkey-humping-a-football on this shit! We have to just walk 15 blocks and hit some dipshit virtual monsters--"

"Incoming! Lean right!" Feferi yelled with glee as she dove to the right, Karkat scrambling to keep up. The Trebuchet was in range, as was suddenly evident to Karkat. It would have been evident sooner if he wasn't trying to wrangle control over this whole clusterbomb of bugfuckery. It had time to crouch down, line up, and launch a vicious bone-like spear directly at them. It whizzed by, grazing off their plated shoulder and not doing much more than a dent.

"Get us in close! Trebuchet is powerless at melee range! We can take this sucker do--"

"Firing trident missiles!!!" Feferi jammed her finger down on a red switch and then grabs her aiming reticule before firing with another switch. There's recoil from the volley as the trio of explosive projectiles rocket forth. Karkat goes from gawking at his fellow operator to following the smoke trails of the missiles, watching the right one go wide and slam into a building, the other two hitting their mark, one forcing a goodbye between the monster and part of its face. It goes down hard. "Yes!! Direct hit!"

"With two! Learn to count you--"

"Two out of three isn't bad, dumbass! We got it, isn't that en--"

Feferi was cut off by a warning klaxon. Karkat's eyes snapped to the display monitor. "Severe damage to legs? What the hell do you mean severe damage to thetheTHE FUCKING BLADE CLASSES, goddamn it, Feferi!" He jumped for the reticule, aiming it around, trying to get a sight on them and failing. "Come on, get us out of this threeway fuckjob!"

"Uhhh, legs inoperable, Karkat."

Before Karkat could even get out the next string of profanities, the legs buckled and they went down, crumpling on the useless legs, landing sideways in a heap. Then he could see the Level 1's, given that they were now right outside the cockpit.

"Simulation. Failed." The video screens faded to black and there was a hydraulic hiss of air as the simulation chamber's doors opened. The capsule had hardly even righted itself before Feferi was out of her safety restraints and hopping out the door. Karkat was struggling with a shoulder belt--always the same shoulder belt--but finally got it, storming out after her.

"The hell was that? What the absolute devildicking fresh hell was that, Feferi?" He stared up at her. The height disparity was really obvious when they were both face to face like this.

It wasn't that Karkat was short. He was a pretty average height, truth be told. Average height, slightly stocky, quicker than someone with his build should be. With dark olive skin and angry twists of black hair, attractive if he wasn't scowling permanent frown lines into his entire face near constantly.

But, no, it wasn't that he was short. He was just almost always surrounded by tall people. His best friend he grew up with who ended up in the tech division here. His stoner roommate from academy who ended up failing out after a semester. And now Feferi Peixes. Tall and dark-skinned with a massive mane of well-kept black hair that seemed to constantly be everywhere. Tall and pin-up model curvy with all the good looks one would expect from an heiress of the largest robotics firm in the continent. An heiress who had no business piloting a mech. An heiress who had no business piloting a mech with Karkat, he thought.

"You have no business piloting a mech! And you have no goddamn business at all piloting a mech with me, that is for double goddamn sure, Peixes!"

"Enough!" Fuck, it was the captain. Captain Marquise. She stared down at them from the catwalk above with her one good eye. Her arm clutching a clipboard. "That was shameful! Absolutely shameful! If you children," she spit the word with venomous inflection, "served on my ship I would have tossed your sorry behinds overboard in a heartbeat! What I saw was a disgrace. Miss Peixes!"

Feferi snapped to attention.

"I couldn't care less that your mother owns the company that makes these simulators! You will not treat them like playthings! We have rules and we have regulations for a reason, pilot! Simulations may not be real life but they are preparing you and keeping you sharp for real life situations! Which, if that were one, you would be monster chow about now, am I making myself clear?"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" Feferi gave a salute. Crisp and clean. When one's family is so entrenched in military affairs, it makes sense that one would pick up on proper protocol.

"I tried to tell her, Capt--"

"Did I tell you to speak, Vantas? Have you forgotten it takes two people to pilot one of these cans? And it also takes two people to royally screw up? You are a team, you are a unit! And like it or not, your aptitude tests matched you two together! You're not a squad leader, Vantas! This isn't the academy. You are one half of a finely oiled machine. You run and gun! You walk and talk! You do not stand around while your partner expects to move! You had time to discuss strategy on the way to the target, while said target is causing tens of thousands in collateral damage! Am I clear?"

Karkat snapped as well, less cleanly than Feferi, his salute a bit off, and his well-practiced "yes, ma'am" didn't do a very good job of masking the anger in his eyes.

"Both of you get the hell out of my sight, before I dig my remaining eye out just so I don't have to look at you sorry sacks of trash!"

\---

The door opened with a slam, and Sollux Captor's ears were instantly filled with the dulcet tones of "this is all your fault, by the way, you shitlicking asslord" as his roommate stormed in.

"Jethuth Chritht, KK. What now?"

"What do you mean what now? What do you mean. What now. You know what now. You know the what that I am referring to now. Don't even act like you haven't been sitting on your princely little throne over there, watching the video feed of this whole clusterfuck jamboree on your 47 monitor bullshit set-up over there and none of it would have happened if you would have just stayed in the pilot program."

"Yeth, becauthe my mental link-up giving me horrible migraineth and mething with the thyncronithation program ith totally worth it tho you don't have to deal with FF."

"Where FF stands for fuckmunching f--"

"Hey, that'th my girlfriend."

"Your ex. Ex-girlfriend. Ex."

"Hnnn..."

"No, do not even tell me you are still hung up over that fishste--lovely individual, Sollux. Do not. I thought you and Aradia... you know, once she was found alive?"

Sollux let out a big sigh and flopped back in his chair. "Yeth, I know. I knoooow, KK. Me and AA are together but maybe I'm thtill a little hung up on FF. Tho kill me. But no, fuck you. Fuck thith. We're not talking about how I am pretty much the hottetht player in thith whole fathility. We're talking about how you are a mathive failure and not a team player."

"Blow me. Just take my entire dick into your entire mouth because I am such a good team player. I am the number one power forward quarterback fucking pinch hitter MVP, okay, Sollux? Feferi is just rude and reckless and doesn't even care that the reason we're doing this is to, oh, I don't know, save the fucking planet? She doesn't listen to anything I say and she just thinks she is better than me, which is the biggest cosmic joke because--"

"Thtop. Thtop again. Big red octagon. Thtop. Maybe you need to remember thith ithn't thchool and you're not in charge? You need to thtop acting like you're the leader and thtart acting like you're the partner. Talk thingth out with her, you fucking child, inthtead of barking orderth."

"I don't bark orde--"

"I will load the video back up. Don't think I won't, KK."

"Yeah, well, fuck you and the fucking... the horse you... whatever, I'm going to get some lunch."

\---

Feferi, unsurprisingly, got a room to herself. Heiress to the very robotics firm that designed a great deal of parts that went into the mechs, not to mention countless bits of weapon technology and simulator hardware, it seemed a security issue to room her with anyone who could potentially want to harm her or sneak information out of her. Which could potentially be anyone. Plus, it was a hard job at a hard location, and sometimes a random snap would just happen. Eridan Ampora was still fresh on everyone's minds, after all.

Eridan Ampora, well, no one was surprised he'd made it as far as he did in the academy, and no one was surprised at all that he'd been handpicked as a pilot. Military strategy and marksmanship were his strong suits, and navigation was another. He had big plans, heading up one of the naval fleets before being promoted to mech pilot. He was practically to be groomed by Captain Marquise to take the spot under her. Insert sex joke here. There were plenty of rumors, for sure. After all, to call Eridan Ampora unattractive would be a complete lie.

The thing is, he shouldn't have passed the psych eval. Either he had a really good day or someone helped push him through, most likely after a liberal palm-greasing from the Ampora family, because despite being horrendous under pressure, he made the cut. And then one day, after a particularly hard mission, he lost it. A level 3 got in a lucky slash and severed the hydraulics connecting the upper and lower halves, rendering the legs immobile. Eridan Ampora was great with a cannon but at close quarters, he was rubbish, and his panicking did nothing to stop the monster from completely halving the mech. Luckily, his co-pilot was able to wrangle the controls long enough to introduce the beast to the rotating blade arm.

Airlift came in and grabbed them both and then the ruins of their mech. The minute they were off the ship, Eridan had grabbed a shotgun from a security locker and declared the whole fight... the whole operation... absolutely hopeless. Wild-eyed and shaking, Eridan took the gun and... there's some speculation on if he originally planned on using it on himself, given his screaming about how he didn't want to live this way any longer, but instead, Kanaya Maryam, his co-pilot, got it in the stomach. For not just letting him die, and for making it so he had to go out there again.

Now Eridan Ampora was locked away awaiting trial and Kanaya Maryam was in month six of recovery in the infirmary, and no one would give Feferi Peixes a roommate. And screaming into a pillow just didn't have the same effect as venting to someone. So, she was left to wander the halls.

She rounded a corner and gave a yelp of surprise when there were suddenly arms around her. Her mind raced. Was someone else in mid-snap? Was Karkat seeking revenge? Was--

"You need to be more observant, Feferi! Did you not even see me in the alcove there? Gosh!" Oh, it was Nepeta. Being Nepeta.

"Rrgh, don't do that, Nepeta! Are you stupid?" The cheery girl who had practically pounced her drooped visibly against her back and let go, half-slumping into a standing position and looking away, like there was something very interesting happening suddenly with her fingernails. "Look, I'm sorry. I've had a... rough day. It's not your fault."

Nepeta huffed and looked up. "You mean because of the whole simulation thing?" Everyone knew. Everyone clearly knew. How could anyone not? "I know. I heard. That's why I was giving you a hug, to cheer you up!" She beamed a bright smile and rocked back onto her heels. "It happens, you know!"

"How do you do it?"

Nepeta blinked. "Do what?"

"It. You know. With Equius?"

Nepeta practically stumbled, but caught herself. She had amazing balance. Always had. "What? Wh-what? I don't know where you heard that but there's nothing going on between Equius and me! Feferi, oh my gosh, we're just friends! Really really good friends! I would nev--"

Feferi was wide-eyed with shock, and couldn't help but bust out laughing as the girl took what she was saying the absolutely completely wrong way. "No! No no no! God no! No! How do you co-pilot? You're so... different! How are you even compatible?"

Nepeta blinked as she was laughed at, but couldn't help but giggle herself. "Oh, that's easy. We're so compatible because we're so diffurent, I think. Different. We play off each other's strengths and weaknesses! He wants to rush in. I want to stalk and look for an opportunity. He's about brute force. I'm about finesse. He makes the cockpit smell like sweat, I buy a lot of air fresheners! But, we make it work! We talk it out, every day. Give criticism and adjust our training regimens and talk out any problems or stress we're dealing with, and then we're one finely tuned Musclebeast! Are things not going well on the Empress Crab? I guess you're not getting along with Karki--kat?" Nepeta frowned, both at her own question and how she still had to squash down bad academy day habits.

"I get along fine with him! He just doesn't get along with me. It's so obvious. Maybe if he wasn't such a stubborn little troll, then we'd... oh." Feferi was trashing her on-and-off crush. Of course. And from the look on the girl's face, the crush was currently in on mode. "He's just stubborn and hot-headed and takes everything so ser--"

"Seriously? Of course he does, Feferi. We are fighting against giant monsters. People die. Look at Aradia almost getting it. Look at what happened to the Golden Tiger Moth. This is serious!"

"It was a simulation though!"

"A simulation of what could actually happen. What if it wasn't, Feferi? You'd be dead. You'd both be. It's training. You can't let yourself get sloppy, even if it's a simulation. Karkat has... flaws. But so do you. And you both need to figure out how to deal with them. Or mash them together so they aren't as appurrent." Nepeta flinched, then rolled her eyes. "Okay?"

"Yeah, fine, whatever, I guess."

She rolled her eyes again, though not at herself this time. "Whatever all you want. Just think about it. Now, I need to go, I'm supposed to meet Equius in... oh! Ten minutes ago!" And she was off.

So was Feferi.

\---

Days later. Karkat was startled by a knock at his door. Will Smith had just welcomed an alien to Earth, or more accurately, Erf, and Karkat grumblingly hit the pause button. He rose and flipped the lock and opened the door up. He deadpanned immediately. "Sollux isn't here. I think he's in the lab." He closed the door again.

Well, he would have, if Feferi hasn't shoved a shoe in the doorway so it couldn't close. "I'm not here to see Sollux. I'm here to talk to you."

Karkat leaned on the door, trying to force in closed somehow. "No thank you. I don't want any. No solicitors. Please peddle your ass elsewhere." And suddenly he was stumbling backward. Feferi sure was strong for an heiress. Especially when ramming her shoulder against a metal door.

"If you scuffed up my shoe I swear I'm going to polish it in your ass, when I kick it straight up there."

"I don't think that would work how you expect it, given what's up my ass, dipshit."

"You can give it a spitshine seeing how your entire idiot head is up there!"

"Did you want something besides to come yell at me? Maybe you hadn't noticed, but I have a pretty full schedule lined up for the day!" He angrily motioned to a stack of DVDs like a The Price is Right beauty who had had it up to here with Drew Carey that day.

"I came here to talk to you!" Feferi's hands were balled into fists at her sides and she was bristling with anger.

"Yes, that is working out so well so far. Thank you, I'm so glad that I invited you in! Oh, wait, no, you let yourself in with your gaudy-ass shoes. Now maybe turn around and let them lead you out, and don't let the door hit your a--"

Feferi cut him off with a scream, practically a screech. If not anything else, it did shut Karkat up. "Look, you idiot. You moron. You stupid fool. You don't like me. Yes, this is abundantly loud and clear. Newsflash. I don't like you either. You're a loud, whiny, brainless crybaby and I would prefer to have literally anyone else in the other chair. But guess what! We're compatible! So, we need to figure something out!"

"Here's an idea. I can quit. Boom, problem solved. You can train with your number two and I can drag my stubborn crybaby ass back down to the ground troops and be a squad leader like I was fucking meant to be! How's that float your boat?"

"You're ready to just abandon your post because things are hard? Just throw away your training because oh, things are too hard! Waah!"

"Okay, better idea. Plan B. And I don't mean the Plan B that should have been taken after you were conceived. I mean the one where you quit and go jetset around in a golden airplane and hang out with Paris Hilton or whatever and maybe start a fragrance line to help cover up the scent of your massive ineptitude!"

Karkat wasn't sure how he ended up on the bed or why his shelf of DVDs had been pulled down atop him, but he suspected it had to do with Feferi shaking her hand and wincing and the sudden warm feeling running down from his nostrils. She'd punched him. She'd... punched him?? "You punched me!" Karkat grabbed a box of Kleenex and shoved several of the thin tissues up under his nose.

"I sure did, and I'll do it again if you don't watch your maw, Karkat! I worked hard to get where I am! If I was a useless, incompetent heiress, do you think they would want me anywhere near the equipment? Anywhere where I could put others in danger? Anywhere where I could put myself in danger? You tiny, small-minded ass! I fought tooth and nail to even have permission to take the entrace exam! Which I did damn well on, by the way, not that it is any of your business! And, if you recall, I am more adept at hand-to-hand, and given my position you love to rub in my face at any opportunity, I could get you kicked out of this program and declared unfit to join any unit, let alone lead one, with a snap of my fingers! So, things are going to change, unless you want me to ruin your peon life after beating you unconscious with my not even remotely gaudy shoe! Okay?"

"Fhug hyoo." Karkat glared the best he could with his head tilted back and tissues rammed up his nostrils like a quickly reddening mustache. He flinched as she grabbed a handful of hair and... proceeded to guide his head into a forward tilt.

"You're going to choke on your own blood." She pulled the tissues from his nostrils and guided his fingers to pinch his own nose. "How do you not know how to deal with a nosebleed? Toddlers, actual toddlers, know how to do this." She sighed. "Clean up and meet me in sync training, okay?"

Karkat eyed her, suspiciously but without the bubbling rage he'd been feeling. "Okay, fine."

\---

"I'm sorry, by the way." Left foot, right foot, left, left, forward, right, back, forward.

"What?" Double forward, back, back, leftleftleft, right, rightright, left and right combo.

"For last week, when I punched you." Left and right, left and right, forward, back, forward, back.

"It's fine." Back and forward, back, back, left and forward, right and back. "Water under the bridge, I'm so over it." Left, left, ri--no, shit, wait, back. Miss. "Fuck!" Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. OK. Good. Perfect. Left. "Damn it."

"You seem fine." Left and right, forward, back, back and forward, left and right, leftrightleft. End of song.

"I just don't see what Dance Dance Revolution has to do with training. Have we run into any new Classes that have a thirst for upbeat fucking J-Pop and no one thought to tell me?"

Feferi snrked and stepped off her mat, grabbing a water. "It helps us learn to sync. And get a feel for how the other moves. And observe how we act under pressure." She was trying to hold back a laugh. Those were technically all true reasons, officially.

"Bullshit!" Karkat grabbed a bottle for himself and flopped back on a couch. "You just wanted to play DDR. That's why you put the Mario one in and why you made us do Blooper Bop three goddamn times!"

Feferi broke out into a grin. "Blooper Bop is very important! Okay, fine, guilty!"

"We could have been doing arm sync exercises. Or been on the leg treadmills."

"You're just mad because you just lost on Hammer Dance and you like that song!"

"That is... that is not true, Feferi!"

"It is, it is soooo true! Besides, it's called limbering up before we tackle the serious things. After I finish my water. We'll go do the thing you want to do. Okay?"

Karkat huffed. "Yeah, but I'm gonna beat Hammer Dance first. I can get a Perfect."

"You can not."

"I will fucking show you!"

\---

"You need to stop calling people stupid. For real. It's fucking hurtful." Karkat bumped his shoulder into hers as they sat on the bench outside the barracks.

"So? She is! She's stupid for even missing him. He's a goddamn creep and a weirdo and I don't trust him and I'm glad he's gone!"

"I don't give a fuck, Feferi. She cares about him for whatever fucked up reason and she's also Nepeta's older sister. That whole damn facility was turned into gravel by some monster cock and she lost her hearing, and he lost his tongue, and Sollux's brother is all messed up from it. Both Nitrams. Both of them. The older one is still missing and the younger one, already paralyzed mind you, already fucking paralyzed from the waist down, gets his legs just completely severed by a snapped tension wire? The whole fiasco was a fucked-up travesty and maybe Nepeta doesn't need you calling her recently deafened sister a fucking numbskull for missing her creepy, allegedly weird and controlling ex-boyfriend because he got allegedly creepier and weirder and got discharged to a mental health ward. Do you see how maybe that was inappropriate?"

"She didn't have to cry! So I said she was stupid, so what though! Like it matters!"

"Yeah, who gives a bugfucking goddamn, right? Just because the only person outside Captain Marquise herself who wields any real influence around here badmouths a loved one? Yeah, no hard feelings there. Give me a break."

She slumped. "I can't help it."

"You can help it and you will. And tonight you're buying her and her weird sweaty friend a half meat lovers, half vegetarian pizza and walking it to her room as an apology, and then maybe go Wikipedia empathy and try and see if you have any inside you."

"Fuck off. No way, Nepeta's a vegetarian?"

"No, she's not a... how do you not know this? Aren't you friends with her?"

"Yeah, but it's not like I'm her boyfriend or anything."

"Shitting hell!" Karkat stood up, throwing his arms upward. "How many times do I have to explain this. There is absolutely nothing besides acquaintanceship between us. Where do you even come up with this shit?"

\---

Karkat wasn't good at waking up. The blaring klaxons brought him out of sleep. Or maybe it was the bright red filling his eyelids in an even off-and-on pattern, but he was up. It just took him about three seconds longer than it should have to realize what was going on. Sollux was already pulling on a t-shirt and slipping his shoes on when Karkat was disentangling himself from his topsheet. "Wake up and thuit up, KK. Thomething'th going down, thomething big!" He was out the door as Karkat quickly got dressed.

Everything was a blur of activity as he tried to shake himself awake. He entered the hangar right as a stretcher was getting wheeled past him. He couldn't see much besides a large wet red spot and a blue streak of hair. That woke him up.

"Judicial Scourge is down!" The Captain slammed the bottom of her cane against the steel catwalk coming off the control room. He looked and already saw Sollux, still in pajama pants, working to get a visual of whatever they needed a visual of. "Two level threes got past our checkpoint. It was an ambush and we didn't see them until it was too late. No fatalities, two casualties. Musclebeast, Empress Crab." Karkat finally noticed the gang was all there. "Gear up and roll out. B-Force is working on rolling out Antevorta Hakaishi but don't count on it. Why are you all standing around? Gear up!"

Techs helped get Karkat loaded up, Feferi following in close, a look of wide-eyed fear in her eyes as they both got harnessed in. "We haven't... the simulator."

Karkat got a hard look on his face. The look of a leader. The look of someone who was fighting the urge to start dry-heaving out of panic. "Fuck the simulator, right, Peixes? We've got this." The mech booted up, display monitor between them flickering on, a split-screen with co-ordinates and a visual of each target. One Blade Class, one Spear. Both level 3. A dry heave managed to escape.

A rumble filled their ears. Their own mech creaking to life. The heavier built Musclebeast grinding into a state of readiness. The massive blast doors of the hangar opening like a gigantic mouth. Static filled their earpieces. "No time to ready transport! You're wading this one. Seven minutes travel. Five and a half if you step it up."

Step it up was apparently all Feferi needed for her to break out into a run, techs scattering as the right leg lifted up and came down on a bank of diagnostic computers and a toolkit, and an unlucky technician's sunglasses. The left leg dragged behind. "Wait! Fucking shit, Feferi! Training!"

Musclebeast was gone, bounding out the hangar with perfectly-timed leaps and bounds.

"Come on, Karkat! We need to go!"

"Yes, we do! Clearly! We need to go, so work with me! Take it slow, find our rhythm, then pick up speed! Left leg engaging. Standby on right."

Feferi gritted her teeth. He was talking to her like they were in a beginner limb control simulation course. It was insulting. "I know how to walk, Vant--" And then, it hit her. He was talking to them both. "Right leg standby!" The left made a step. "Left leg standby, right engage!"

Another thud. "Left!" A splash! "Right!" Another splash. They were in water. "Keep arms in up position! Trident firing not waterproof! Left!"

"Arms up!" Nepeta switched to the comms as they found their rhythm. "Empress Crab to Musclebeast. How do things look?"

"We have made visual contact. There are two level threes. As we have learned. Preparing to engage. Going after the stronger. Level readouts still getting data."

"Oh, stop that, Equius! Hey, Feferi!" How could Nepeta be so bubbly in this situation? No, not bubbly. Energetic. "Karki--at! We're gonna draw the Jav away and get in close range. You need to keep the Caled off of us, okay? We can do thiiincoming!"

"Fiddlesticks." The comm clicked off. There was no horrific rending of metal or explosions, so they clearly switched to internal chatter.

Feferi looked to Karkat as the strode smoothly through the water. "Visuals?"

Karkat reached for the reticule and brought it down. "How the hell does Sollux work with these things all day? I'm looking at too much shit. Visual. Musclebeast herding the Spear Class away. Fuck fuck fuck! Blade following. We need to--"

"Trident missiles!"

"No, don't just--"

"Trident missiles, yes or no? Distraction tactic? Get the Caled off their back? Tick tock, Karkat!"

"Fire at will, I'll take control of movement. Slowing for steadiness."

"Armed and aimed..." Feferi grabbed her own reticule, lining up and squinting, "Almost... and... Firing!" The trio of missiles burst forth from the launcher, Karkat leaning forward to compensate for the recoil, and soldiered on, peering at the display and switching to satellite just as the missiles made contact, two making a hit and one hitting the water. As planned, the beast turned. Melee. They still had time. Karkat picked up the pace.

"Stay on weapons, Peixes! Bringing us in closer, unload the shoulder turrets into its face."

"Got it! Bring us around to the side. Blade arm is the right. We want to get on the left."

"On it." The dry heaves were gone. An adrenaline rush had replaced it. There was nothing but sloshing ocean, heavy metal on heavy metal, and a satisfying crunch at 10 o'clock, as Musclebeast fist smashed into monster.

The machine gun turrets rumbled and whirred as Feferi aimed them. She was no Ampora when it came to accuracy, but she did admirably. Karkat kept an eye on the action as he kept their lumbering machine on its path.

There was a crackle of static before an alarmed Nepeta pierced over their audio systems. "Look out! On your nine! Frick!"

They heard the start of Equius chastising her on language before the comms cut. Karkat whirled his head in time to see a large monster arm cutting through the water and floating toward their legs. It would upset the balance for sure. Feferi saw it too, a few rounds of gunfire suddenly flying over the monster's shoulder. The arm in the water wasn't attached to any monster. It was clear Musclebeast had the upper hand, clearly tearing its target limb from limb.

Karkat heard the creak, then looked alarmed.

"Ready on three!" Feferi's voice snapped him back as quickly as he began to panic. She was prepared. Waiting for him. Not like the simulator. "One. Two. Thr--"

The rest was drowned out as they pushed up from their crouch, hydraulics activating. Jumping was risky. Jumping off ocean floor was riskier. But they had to. That arm was a hazard, and there wasn't a god way to maneuver around it. And it getting tangled in their leg wiring would be a death sentence with a Blade class. Up and... down. The feet touched against the rogue arm, bringing it down underneath them. It eliminated it as a risk, but now they were off balance.

Klaxons blared, warning of their impending topple, and Feferi took the initiative before Karkat could stop her. Of course, if he had, they would have been worse off. The mech lurched right as she slammed the arm downward, fist hitting ocean floor, left arm still up. "Straighten and lift." Karkat helped do so. They were up.

"Fuck." Karkat hissed. "Tridents offline until the system dries. Maybe not even then. That was a risky move!" He yelled out, getting their position in order and working on getting back on track.

"Don't sta--"

"Good thinking, Feferi."

She grinned. "Of course it was. That's why I did it, jackass. Now concentrate on your arm. I'll take the bulk of movement! That asshole is on us!"

It was true. Sensing weakness, the monster was plowing toward them, turned and arm raised, ready to bring down its harsh blade on the mech's armor-plated head.

"Fuck that shit!" Karkat pivoted and swung, his arm's scythe blade catching the monster on its own downswing, deflecting the slash and digging into its rough exoskeleton-like plating. Karkat pulled back and gave a swipe at the chest, hacking away at it. Feferi cheered on.

The monster got a blow in in return, slashing at the useless missile arm, car crash sounds filling the air as the armor was peeled off from the forearm up, the turret ripping off in the process, unspent bullets raining down into the water. "Tridents just got a lot harder to fire, Karkat!"

"Shit! We're too close for that anyway. Hold it off with that arm, I'm gonna shove my blade up its asshole and give a fucking twist!"

"Do they have assholes?"

"I'm being metaphorical!"

"Yeah, sure!" Feferi slammed the dead arm against the monster as Karkat flipped a switch, bringing out what was essentially a large dagger from the palm of his side's hand, which he slammed full-force into the gut of the best, cracking right through its shell.

"Hold that bugfucker down!" Feferi put as much weight on the thing's shoulder as she could, giving Karkat the leverage to bring his own blade up, until it snapped off inside its organs... most of the hand coming off with it. Red blood poured from the monster's torso andinto the water, and after a loud roar and a few harsh flailing twitches, it stilled. "Yes!"

"Hell yes!!"

The communications crackled. "Hell furrrrricking yes!" "Nepe--" "No, I'm not even sorry! We did it!"

Karkat leaned over far enough to grab for Feferi's hand, the mech wobbling in response. "We did it!"

"You athholes actually pulled it off! I'm thurprithed you even managed to get drethed, KK!"

"Fuck you, Sollux! Call us when you're not in your pajama pants, dickkick!" Feferi held back a laugh at Karkat's response and sighed.  
"We did. Fuck simulations, am I right?"

"Pfft, fuck 'em. But speaking of, we're doing two more tomorrow."

"What? Oh, come on, Karkat! We just killed it. Literally! Literally killed it.

"Woulda killed it faster if you weren't so sloppy with those turrets!"

"Well, maybe if you walked in a straight line. I'd ask if you were drunk, but I don't think you even know how to have a good time!"

"A good time? I know how--"

"Guyth, you realithe we can all hear thith, right?"

"Fuck you. Get salvage out here to collect our limbs."

"Yeah, Sollux!"

"Feferi, not you too. Don't let hith rude athholeneth get to you!"

Karkat switched off the comms and rolled his eyes, slapping Feferi a high five. Mission accomplished.


End file.
